How to plan a night out at the club

Hey all, I can't remember if i've ever done a tutorial before but since i'm just so popular and have more friends on facebook than Tila Tequila (yeah, remember her?) i figured you would all want to know how a pring (pro + king = pring) goes about setting up a LIVE party. If you follow the following easy steps, I guarantee that every single Friday, each of you aspiring prings, or as i like to call you - pringles - will experience what beyonce and lady gaga refer to as "blowing up my phone".

Step 1: Battle Cry

Bust out your recording equipment and record a half hour shpeel explaining why you are the hottest most sickest person to hit a club with (it is absolutely manditory that you have DMX's "Party Up in Here" playing in the background). Then send it to every contact that you have on your cellphone with no exceptions. Instinct may tell you that it's not a good idea to be sending this kind of thing to your boss, or your grandma, but you never know what hotties they may or may not know. You can't miss out on those oppourtunities. Capitalize. (Extra points if the whole thing is done in rap)

Step 2: Booze?

Alcohol is for softies. The day before the club, gather a bunch of friends and then inky pinky ponky until there is one person left. The winner should then be ganged up on by everyone else who will promptly break his or her leg(the leg breaking may in fact be easier if the winner is a she, feel free to rig the game of inky pinky ponky by appending arbitrary words to the regular song and ending on whomever you feel should be the winner). When the person is taken to the hospital, they should scream at the top of their lungs until the nurse brings out some morphine. Jack the morphine and store it for the next day. Now when everyone comes over for a predrink, bust out the morphine and serve chilled. (side effects may include death)

Step 3: Filtration

Before you leave for the club you have to make sure that your group of friends suitable reflects how boss you are. Make sure that any members of the same sex who are going with you are considerably more ugly than you are. This will make you seem much much more attractive to other people by way of comparison, it's simple science. If there is anyone in your group who is more attractive than you, then simply double their morphine dosage and they will not be able to make it to the club because they will be busy soaring through the stars on a majestic pink unicorn with two horns and a fish tail. As a rule of thumb, you can always let Jimmy come with you, no matter how terrible you may look, he will make you seem like a war-brazened, chiseled Greek God in comparison.

Step 4: Mask

No one wants to see your face, what they really want to see are copious amounts of powder and fish scales on top of your face so that they can barely even make out who you are. Whether you are a guy or a girl, go to the nearest makeup store and buy the most pearly white foundation that you can find then go home and use a teaspoon to scoop all of its contents and matte it on your face. Then use scissors to cut a glowstick in two and use the fluids to highlight the better features of your face. The more fluid you use, the better, it's pretty dark in clubs.

Step 5: Incept

Never actually enter the club even if all of your friends go inside. Instead, go to Mcdonald's and spend the whole night drinking their free water. It is necessary that you choose a table near the bathroom because you will have to urinate 6 times through the course of the night. When you think they are about to leave, meet up with them and fabricate multiple stories about all of the incredibly sexy guys or girls you were dancing with while they were busy dancing with your sloppy seconds. They'll probably believe you because they were high on morphine anyways.

Well there you go, now that i've given you all of my secrets to a perfect night out at the club, you have no excuse to be anything short of a pring. Good luck, and i'll see you at McDonalds next Friday.

4 am yay

I'm drunk blogging at 4:30 AM. What did YOU do today?

I think i'm going to drop some rhymes for y'all.

4:30 AM, people sleeping it's pretty quiet

I'm feeling kinda fat after exams now, i need a diet.

There's an air mattress blown up to my right

I did all the pumping, just because i lost the verbal fight.

I really wish i had some chocolate with me right now

Or really any sort of thing that falls under "sweet tasty chow"

I don't know who the heck would ever read my blog

Cuz my rhymes are so bad and boring like a dead log.

But it's okay cuz i appreciate every one of you

Even if reading this makes you wanna pity the foo (me)

Well i think this flow was over before it began.

And i think i should just suck it up like a man

It's time to stop we all know it's true

I'm going now, i wish a good night for you.

Record deal one day, i'm telling you.

Introducing Slugmon

Hey guys, I want you to meet my friend Slugmon. He's a real fictional character and my best friend.

Attribute Ratings

Strength - 1/10

Agility - 2/10

Dexterity - 1/10

Overall Skill - 1/10

Usefulness in any possible manner - 0.2/10

Slime Coveredness - 10/10

Resemblance to Shrek - 6/10

Intelligence - 4/10

Weakness to Salt - 8/10

Affinity for Justin's Love - 11/10

He is a slug but his mom was a dragon hence the colors and spiny back. His arms were the result of some extensive plastic surgery and muscle reattachment. His ears are actually feelers. He does not have a stomach or any digestion system for that matter. When he consumes food, it merely remains within his hollow body until he decides to spit it back out. He once ate a zygote, and regurgitated it 30 years later. This person is known to us today as Charlie Sheen.

I invented him two days ago. Since then my quality of life has increased considerably. When confronted with any situation in which i do not know what to do, i simply ask myself: "What would Slugmon do?"

-Should I eat mcdonald's for dinner?

No, if Slugmon ate mcdonald's, the salty fries would cause him to bubble and writhe in pain from the inside out.

Unhealthy meal loaded with calories averted.

-How should I react to that pretty girl telling me that i'm ugly disgusting and will never amount to anything at all?

Slugmon doesn't have ears.

Long tearful night watching "Love Actually" avoided.

He can't wait to meet you.

Truths of the Universe 02 - Cats Speak English

Cats Speak English

Have you ever recorded a video, and then played it at double speed? What did you notice about the changes in audio? Everything sounded chipmunk-y right? RIGHT. It is a fact of life that the speed of an audio wave is associated with the tone which we hear. A formula one car driving at 300 km/h zipping past you makes an impressive sound kind of like a high pitched scream (not unlike the sound that's made every time i unleash one of my trademarked sonic-boom-crotch-punches-of-death... I told Allan not to make fun of my ugly knees. Now he pees from his nose) whereas a tractor plowing wheat emits a low rumbling.

Now lets think about what this phenomenon implies. Cats. Their mewing is super high pitched, so high that it is very possible that they're actually speaking English but extremely extremely fast. My pathetically un-enlightened friends, I reveal to you the second truth of the universe. Cats ARE speaking English. They just speak far too fast for your slow brains to comprehend and so you don't know what they're saying. In fact if you slow down their speech to a level at which the average human speaks, you will find that they speak nearly 337 times faster. The last time your cat mewed at you from atop a comfortable couch, and you interpreted it as a call for food, you were mistaken. Your cat was simply singing along to "remembering you" except completing the full song in 0.557 seconds. Next time you have a chance, record the mewing, slow it down by a factor of 337 and you'd be surprised to find that it doesn't sound that much unlike the original by Tay Zonday.

Truths of the Universe 01 - The Ocean is Salty

A couple of friends and I were lucky enough to have been gifted with incredible wisdom, far-seeing foresight and breathtaking genius at birth. I used to be a firm believer in keeping our secret knowledge just that, secret knowledge, for you mere mortals do not deserve to have these divine revelations unleashed upon you without having earned it for yourself. But Allan promised that it would be epic if we wrote a book containing all of our collective knowledge, and i thought it would be funny to see your breath taken away from you when the world's phenomena are each explained in their true form.

Seeing as i don't know how to write a book, i figured i'd just start by putting random installments on my blog. Rest assured, one day our book will transcend the mundane shelves of stores and rest where it belongs: bathed in light, mounted upon a miniature podium behind 3 inches of solid glass in a display case next to "The Bro Code" by Barney Stinson in "the Museum of all things which should be made general knowledge to all people, by having been read to children during the story-time before bed so that their dreams may soar high into the heavens and shine and live among unicorns and angels"

Without further ado, let us commence on our journey.

The Ocean is Salty

Nearly everyone has tasted ocean water before. It's salty. So salty that that we try not to let it enter any of our orifices, yet somehow it always does. And when it's in your mouth it tastes bad, and when it's in your eyes, it burns. Let's not talk about the effects on other orifices... But why is the water salty? Sperm whales. Have you ever seen how huge these things are? Some of them are as big as a house, 20.5 metres long (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sperm_whale - yeah, so what if I referenced wikipedia, they're smart SOBs.) How much urine do you think one of those expels in one go? How much Semen do you think they produce? How much sweat do you think they generate when playing Whale Soccer? (Whale Soccer to be discussed another time.) What is in all of these fluids? Salt. Salt which goes into the ocean... and enters our orifices. I said i'd reveal to you the truths of the world, i didn't say they were pretty.

Nuggets

Quick Disclaimer: If you are a level 99 Vegan or if you get extremely offended by discussions about eating meat and being completely insensitive about the fact that it was once a live animal, then turn back now adventurer, the coming paths are rough.

This morning I was eating one of my Justin's Trademarked Terrible-for-you-Breakfasts: Oily-greasy fried eggs, oily-greasy fried chicken nuggets, and a slice of toast drowned in butter and strawberry jam (is jam a Canadian word? I feel like Americans always say jelly but jelly sounds weird to me).

I don't know about you guys, but i'm really weird about the way that i eat my eggs. Firstly, i have to have ketchup on it otherwise i hate eating eggs because then the yolk taste just isn't as incredible as it has the potential to be with the perfect amount of ketchup. And then secondly, when i've finished eating my egg, i have the urge to use my toast to soak up the leftover yolk-ketchup dribble left on my plate.

Anyways, this morning when i was eating my breakfast i was in a hurry so i didn't think to make up a mental battle plan before tackling my food. Stupidly, i ate my yummy strawberry jam toast first, leaving me with only the oil and grease duo; a sunnyside up and nuggets. This meant that when i decided to eat my egg and there was that yummy yolk-ketchup dribble left over, i had no toast to scrape it off my plate like usual. The perfect breakfast algorithm had been broken, but i couldn't just leave that delicious dribble there to dry on my plate so without thinking twice i grabbed a nugget and started mopping it up.

It was only after i had finished all of my nuggets when I realized what I had done. I had just soaked a chicken nugget in a broken egg yolk. I HAD JUST SOAKED A CHICKEN NUGGET IN A BROKEN EGG YOLK. I HAD JUST SOAKED A CHICKEN NUGGET IN A BROKEN EGG YOLK. Do you realize what that means? I just took a dead adult chicken, and soaked it up in the popped embryo of a stewing baby of its own species. In fact, to take it one step further, that stew-bryo baby popped yolk ketchup mix thing could have been a relative of this chicken, or maybe even it's OWN CHILD. That's like me sticking you into a bathtub filled with popped ova, pouring a truckload of ketchup in it, throwing you all in a blender and just going to TOWN on that.

I felt so terrible that I almost puked. I felt so guilty i wanted to do something super selfless just to rebalance my karma. I felt so sick that I had to sit down, but i was already sitting so i stood up and then sat down again. I felt so exasperated that i had to ponder life and its meaning and how I could have possibly committed such a terrible crime.

But then i realized how good it tasted, contently rubbed my belly and went to class.

Some Guests.

A session with Allan/Winnie/Taylor /Anthony

Here's how this will work. I'm going to say a word and each of them will say the first thing that comes to mind.

Word: Mold

W: ELEPHANT ANUS!

T: cheese?

Al: silence*... green fuzzy yoo green fuzzy.

An: what? did you say something? *eats sandwich*

Word: Clown

W: ITIS!

T: i think of a clown.

Al: can we do something else?

An: *crunch crunch*

Okay this isn't working let's do riddles.

Riddle: What has five legs, is blue black and green and eats babies.

W: JUSTIN!

Al: OH! a five legged spider?

T: what's his name again? Kevin Garnett! He loves to eat babies.