Step 1: Battle Cry
Bust out your recording equipment and record a half hour shpeel explaining why you are the hottest most sickest person to hit a club with (it is absolutely manditory that you have DMX's "Party Up in Here" playing in the background). Then send it to every contact that you have on your cellphone with no exceptions. Instinct may tell you that it's not a good idea to be sending this kind of thing to your boss, or your grandma, but you never know what hotties they may or may not know. You can't miss out on those oppourtunities. Capitalize. (Extra points if the whole thing is done in rap)
Step 2: Booze?
Alcohol is for softies. The day before the club, gather a bunch of friends and then inky pinky ponky until there is one person left. The winner should then be ganged up on by everyone else who will promptly break his or her leg(the leg breaking may in fact be easier if the winner is a she, feel free to rig the game of inky pinky ponky by appending arbitrary words to the regular song and ending on whomever you feel should be the winner). When the person is taken to the hospital, they should scream at the top of their lungs until the nurse brings out some morphine. Jack the morphine and store it for the next day. Now when everyone comes over for a predrink, bust out the morphine and serve chilled. (side effects may include death)
Step 3: Filtration
Before you leave for the club you have to make sure that your group of friends suitable reflects how boss you are. Make sure that any members of the same sex who are going with you are considerably more ugly than you are. This will make you seem much much more attractive to other people by way of comparison, it's simple science. If there is anyone in your group who is more attractive than you, then simply double their morphine dosage and they will not be able to make it to the club because they will be busy soaring through the stars on a majestic pink unicorn with two horns and a fish tail. As a rule of thumb, you can always let Jimmy come with you, no matter how terrible you may look, he will make you seem like a war-brazened, chiseled Greek God in comparison.
Step 4: Mask
No one wants to see your face, what they really want to see are copious amounts of powder and fish scales on top of your face so that they can barely even make out who you are. Whether you are a guy or a girl, go to the nearest makeup store and buy the most pearly white foundation that you can find then go home and use a teaspoon to scoop all of its contents and matte it on your face. Then use scissors to cut a glowstick in two and use the fluids to highlight the better features of your face. The more fluid you use, the better, it's pretty dark in clubs.
Step 5: Incept
Never actually enter the club even if all of your friends go inside. Instead, go to Mcdonald's and spend the whole night drinking their free water. It is necessary that you choose a table near the bathroom because you will have to urinate 6 times through the course of the night. When you think they are about to leave, meet up with them and fabricate multiple stories about all of the incredibly sexy guys or girls you were dancing with while they were busy dancing with your sloppy seconds. They'll probably believe you because they were high on morphine anyways.
Well there you go, now that i've given you all of my secrets to a perfect night out at the club, you have no excuse to be anything short of a pring. Good luck, and i'll see you at McDonalds next Friday.
