4 am yay

I'm drunk blogging at 4:30 AM. What did YOU do today?

I think i'm going to drop some rhymes for y'all.

4:30 AM, people sleeping it's pretty quiet

I'm feeling kinda fat after exams now, i need a diet.

There's an air mattress blown up to my right

I did all the pumping, just because i lost the verbal fight.

I really wish i had some chocolate with me right now

Or really any sort of thing that falls under "sweet tasty chow"

I don't know who the heck would ever read my blog

Cuz my rhymes are so bad and boring like a dead log.

But it's okay cuz i appreciate every one of you

Even if reading this makes you wanna pity the foo (me)

Well i think this flow was over before it began.

And i think i should just suck it up like a man

It's time to stop we all know it's true

I'm going now, i wish a good night for you.

Record deal one day, i'm telling you.

Introducing Slugmon

Hey guys, I want you to meet my friend Slugmon. He's a real fictional character and my best friend.

Attribute Ratings

Strength - 1/10

Agility - 2/10

Dexterity - 1/10

Overall Skill - 1/10

Usefulness in any possible manner - 0.2/10

Slime Coveredness - 10/10

Resemblance to Shrek - 6/10

Intelligence - 4/10

Weakness to Salt - 8/10

Affinity for Justin's Love - 11/10

He is a slug but his mom was a dragon hence the colors and spiny back. His arms were the result of some extensive plastic surgery and muscle reattachment. His ears are actually feelers. He does not have a stomach or any digestion system for that matter. When he consumes food, it merely remains within his hollow body until he decides to spit it back out. He once ate a zygote, and regurgitated it 30 years later. This person is known to us today as Charlie Sheen.

I invented him two days ago. Since then my quality of life has increased considerably. When confronted with any situation in which i do not know what to do, i simply ask myself: "What would Slugmon do?"

-Should I eat mcdonald's for dinner?

No, if Slugmon ate mcdonald's, the salty fries would cause him to bubble and writhe in pain from the inside out.

Unhealthy meal loaded with calories averted.

-How should I react to that pretty girl telling me that i'm ugly disgusting and will never amount to anything at all?

Slugmon doesn't have ears.

Long tearful night watching "Love Actually" avoided.

He can't wait to meet you.

Truths of the Universe 02 - Cats Speak English

Cats Speak English

Have you ever recorded a video, and then played it at double speed? What did you notice about the changes in audio? Everything sounded chipmunk-y right? RIGHT. It is a fact of life that the speed of an audio wave is associated with the tone which we hear. A formula one car driving at 300 km/h zipping past you makes an impressive sound kind of like a high pitched scream (not unlike the sound that's made every time i unleash one of my trademarked sonic-boom-crotch-punches-of-death... I told Allan not to make fun of my ugly knees. Now he pees from his nose) whereas a tractor plowing wheat emits a low rumbling.

Now lets think about what this phenomenon implies. Cats. Their mewing is super high pitched, so high that it is very possible that they're actually speaking English but extremely extremely fast. My pathetically un-enlightened friends, I reveal to you the second truth of the universe. Cats ARE speaking English. They just speak far too fast for your slow brains to comprehend and so you don't know what they're saying. In fact if you slow down their speech to a level at which the average human speaks, you will find that they speak nearly 337 times faster. The last time your cat mewed at you from atop a comfortable couch, and you interpreted it as a call for food, you were mistaken. Your cat was simply singing along to "remembering you" except completing the full song in 0.557 seconds. Next time you have a chance, record the mewing, slow it down by a factor of 337 and you'd be surprised to find that it doesn't sound that much unlike the original by Tay Zonday.

Truths of the Universe 01 - The Ocean is Salty

A couple of friends and I were lucky enough to have been gifted with incredible wisdom, far-seeing foresight and breathtaking genius at birth. I used to be a firm believer in keeping our secret knowledge just that, secret knowledge, for you mere mortals do not deserve to have these divine revelations unleashed upon you without having earned it for yourself. But Allan promised that it would be epic if we wrote a book containing all of our collective knowledge, and i thought it would be funny to see your breath taken away from you when the world's phenomena are each explained in their true form.

Seeing as i don't know how to write a book, i figured i'd just start by putting random installments on my blog. Rest assured, one day our book will transcend the mundane shelves of stores and rest where it belongs: bathed in light, mounted upon a miniature podium behind 3 inches of solid glass in a display case next to "The Bro Code" by Barney Stinson in "the Museum of all things which should be made general knowledge to all people, by having been read to children during the story-time before bed so that their dreams may soar high into the heavens and shine and live among unicorns and angels"

Without further ado, let us commence on our journey.

The Ocean is Salty

Nearly everyone has tasted ocean water before. It's salty. So salty that that we try not to let it enter any of our orifices, yet somehow it always does. And when it's in your mouth it tastes bad, and when it's in your eyes, it burns. Let's not talk about the effects on other orifices... But why is the water salty? Sperm whales. Have you ever seen how huge these things are? Some of them are as big as a house, 20.5 metres long (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sperm_whale - yeah, so what if I referenced wikipedia, they're smart SOBs.) How much urine do you think one of those expels in one go? How much Semen do you think they produce? How much sweat do you think they generate when playing Whale Soccer? (Whale Soccer to be discussed another time.) What is in all of these fluids? Salt. Salt which goes into the ocean... and enters our orifices. I said i'd reveal to you the truths of the world, i didn't say they were pretty.